"I'm back, and I'm fat"
"We've been eating artichokes in our house, that's how middle class we've become"
"All songs are about shagging, you can't deny it"
"There's another one of those tracks that goes all muffled at the end. I wonder if they have a special muffle button to do that? There's a good chat up line - 'Hey baby, can I press your muffle button?' "
"As an honorary doctor, I am allowed to loosen people's clothing in a responsible manner"
"That's what we doctors call 'pissed off' "
"Some people have suggested that I only play records at this point because the title has rude words in it. Nonsense - here's 'Inverted Throat Fuck' "
"To get to my page on the website, go to the homepage and click on my face. I bet you'd all like to do that"
"...and this is called 'I'll Turn You On'. Highly unlikely I think"
"We're sitting here tapping our toes in a frankly arthritic manner"
"That's what George Bush would call 'Inspookulate' "
"Inspookulation is occuring"
"I have taken the competition prizes before, and I'll probably do it again"
"I used to do loads of gigs in Scunthorpe, thoroughly enjoyed it, although whether the audience did is open to question"
"If the emergency tape comes on, you'll be listening to something ghastly like Destiny's Child"
"Pedro the fisherman is always singing- no, whistling, sorry"
"...and there's an e-mail here... no, not an e-mail at all, a postcard..."
"I feel like smashing something up, but I'm afraid someone will say 'That was ours and you smashed it up - we're going to hit you for it', otherwise I'd do it all the time"
"The temptation is to yell 'Yee-Hah!', but I'll resist"
"And now for the stars of tonights show, apart from me of course, goes without saying..."
"I have a bad back, an aching tooth and a sore thumb, but the show must go on - what a hero"
"...since then, their numbers have swelt to six, just like mine"
"Fishfingers anyone?"
"The gods are extraordinarily angry with us tonight"
"If anything else goes wrong, I'm going to saw my face off as an act of pennance"
"Emeticide - mmm..."
"We don't know what that is, do we? Anyone? No? Probably some horrible medical condition involving foreskins"
"The problem is, once you get into these sex-starved sluts, it's jolly hard to get out of them"
"We've had a flood of e-mails... actually, no - more like an incontinent trickle"
"It's so complicated that if I try to explain it, my eyeballs will probably bleed"
"...and he says "stay golden". Well I'm actually a sort of greyish-pink, but I'll do my best to become golden"
"If you've got a CD that's not working, just wipe it on your trousers, and if you're not wearing any trousers, put some on"
"I've obviously offended lots of people - let's move on"
"I just sit in the corner and weep in my capacity as a sad old man"
"You'll notice I've perked up in the last ten minutes - this is one of the benefits of having diabetes and then eating a biscuit. Fantastic!"
"I really like the word Fenacitin, it's such a great word. If we had another child, I'd be tempted to name them Fenacitin"
"My car smells of fish, as though someone had nailed a mackrel under the seat"
"If you don't know what I look like, I look like the old man who hangs around in the shopping centre, looking at all the young people"
"WIDE!"
"Hey hey hey hey"
"Rewind Selecta"
"Dubbin' it up in a one-drop stylee"
"Wugga wugga wugga wugga"
"If the audience are leaving in ambulances, you know you've done a good job"
